We are definitely never, ever going to be friends.
It’s funny to think now that was one of my first thoughts on meeting a woman who has gone on to be one of my best pals. We were at a mother and baby coffee morning, and it was one of my first outings a month after the birth of my son, Theo.
She looked polished and put together, with a freshly ironed top and bright lipstick, talking about how she had a night nanny and all the classes she had signed her newborn daughter up to already.
Meanwhile, I was in survival mode.
I’d only slept in blocks of 40 minutes for the past few weeks. I was leaking breastmilk. My stitches were still hurting me, and I’d had neither time nor inclination to brush my hair before leaving the house. Life with my baby felt overwhelming. And although things got easier as he grew, and we got into a new routine together, I could still never imagine myself being friends with someone who looked like they were breezing through it all.
The underlying truth was that I’d lost my self-love. I’d given my all to bringing this little human into the world, a person I loved more than I ever could have imagined. And yet somewhere along the way, I’d managed to lose myself.
Part of me genuinely felt that motherhood should have transformed me into someone wafting about in Kath Kidston, pureeing sweet potatoes, only listening to nursery rhymes in the car and giving up anything that could be perceived as self-interest. It took me a long time to figure out that isn’t good for you – and it certainly isn’t good for your children.
Loving yourself after having kids is crucial for your wellbeing – and guess what, mama? Your wellbeing is also the wellbeing of your family.
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Parenthood is incredible, but there’s no denying that it’s a demanding job, one that often leaves you feeling down and depleted. By nurturing self-love, you are replenishing your emotional reserves, building resilience to cope with the challenges of parent life and creating a healthier mindset to pass on to your children.
Embracing your imperfections and celebrating your unique strengths isn’t always easy – especially when you’re dealing with all the change and vulnerability of becoming a first time parent, but working on it is hugely important. When you love and accept yourself, you demonstrate the importance of this to your children. And you set the foundation for a happy, balanced family life.
So what steps can you take to love yourself a little more today?
Make Time For You
Often, we’re conditioned to think that motherhood demands complete selflessness. And although it’s true your own needs often get squashed to the bottom of the pile by necessity, claiming back a little bit of time for yourself is crucial.
We need to remember the old airline adage about fitting your own oxygen mask first before assisting others. You can’t hope to parent well if you’re running on empty. It’s not always easy to find these pockets of time for yourself, but its important to try.
Start by accepting help – grandparents, siblings, friends, paid babysitters. Park your guilt about sharing the load, because you aren’t superwoman. You were never meant to do this all on your own. Identify the help you need and ask for it! You are in an important role as a mother, and your needs count.
Make it easy for others to help by being clear about what you need. Instead of saying something vague like ‘Would you mind helping out?’, try saying ‘it would be really helpful if you could take the baby out for two hours so I can have some quiet time and catch up on things’. Work it so someone can give an expressed bottle of milk once a week so you can have a bath, or a yoga session or even a dirty martini!
Let’s be realistic – it’s not going to be huge amounts of time, but even just twenty minutes to yourself can start to save your sanity and stop you being stressed and resentful – and then everyone wins.
Remember To Be Kind
Who do we save our harshest words, our cruellest judgements and our highest standards for? Well, if you’re anything like me, you usually save them for yourself.
Don’t underestimate how important it is just simply to be kind. Becoming a mama is a major life change with some pretty huge ups and downs. There are days when its fantastic and days when the washing machine floods, you have thrush in your breast, the baby won’t stop fussing and you forget the health visitor is coming round (can you tell I speak from experience here?).
Take a minute to say to yourself that you’re doing a tough job and you’re learning as you go. There might be plenty of manuals about baby care, but none of them know your child and your situation. It’s perfectly ok to make mistakes. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would show to a friends or another struggling mama.
Get Real On Expectations
It’s time for an attitude adjustment on what is possible. As a perfectionist Type A, this was a hard lesson for me to learn. In my head, maternity leave would be a time filled with bonding, walks in the park, baby sensory classes, coffee mornings, plenty of time to tidy the house and bake cakes….hell, I might even do a PhD at the same time. Anyone who has actually had a child will be rightfully laughing their ass off at that.
A hard truth is that, especially in the newborn phase, your time is no longer your own. I used to refer to my son as ‘the tiny CEO’, because this small being will fully dictate your life and your schedule once they arrive, make no mistake. Whatever grand plans and rosy visions you might have had fall by the wayside. All you can do is embrace the chaos for a while. Of course, it does get easier with every week, although it tends to be ‘one step forward and three back’ at times.
The important thing is not to hold yourself to ridiculous standards. If the laundry doesn’t get done, if the house is an absolute tip, if your partner comes home and dares to ask what you’ve done all day when you’ve been feeding the baby every 20 minutes (yes, that can happen…) and then desperately trying to get them to nap in between – do a Taylor and shake it off.
Never be afraid to take the easy route at this time. I was absolutely terrified of ‘getting it wrong’ – but the only real wrong is being way too hard on yourself. When my son Theo didn’t gain weight, despite the hours of breastfeeding, I was so scared to offer a bottle. I’d been made to feel like I had to choose one way to feed him and stick to it. But the process was painful, hard and not getting results.
I found myself in Asda at 11pm one night in my pyjamas, crying in the baby formula aisle, wondering if I was failing him. What actually happened? He had a few of the Aptimil pre-made bottles. I got a break from the constant feeding and my mastitis cleared. I started breastfeeding again, but he still had the occaisional top-up bottle of formula before bed. And the sky didn’t fall in like I’d thought it would.
Three years later, when I had my daughter Romilly, the cupboards were pre-stocked with formula. We didn’t use it, but that wasn’t the point. Just knowing it was there was enough. I also kept a double bed in her room next to her cot. So when she woke up in the night, I’d climb out of my bed and bring her with me into that one, and the whole night feeding thing wasn’t so stressful.
You’re exhausted, you’re recovering from a major physical event on little or no sleep, you’re learning a new and hugely demanding role, and that is enough for now. In the eye of the storm, you need to ensure that you and your baby’s health is taken care of – everything else is just window dressing.
Cherish Your Tribe
It’s amazing how many old sayings take on a new meaning when you start a family. That one about it taking a village to raise a child rings especially true. You begin to really see the sense some cultures have in maintaining several generations of family under one roof. There is huge power in the collective, especially when it comes to babies.
Yet many of us these days live far away from family, and we know our neighbours and communities less and less. If that’s your situation, you need to build a tribe of your own. That could be ‘chosen family’. It could be paid-for help. It could be the mums from the pregnancy yoga class.
Whoever it is, and however hard it feels, you simply must find your tribe. It will be the key to your sanity at times.
From finding the other mums with a dirty laugh who will admit how hard it is or swap texts at 3am when you’re both up feeding, to the family who you can rely on to be there when you need support the most, a support network – built, borrowed or owned – is one of the most important things to a new mama.
Make Gratitude A Way Of Life
Perspective is a huge thing, and when life gets overwhelming – whether that’s parenting, a job or any other situation – anxiety and stress are quick to set in. A very simple but effective trick is to practice gratitude every day.
Of course, this can feel easier said than done when the baby has been sick on you for the tenth time that day, but the fact you’ve safely brought a child into the world and managed to keep them alive is a cause for thanks in itself. Identify the small things in each day to celebrate. Managed to actually drink a hot coffee? Went for a walk to the park? You’re bloody brilliant, mama.
Our brains have an inherent negativity bias that is intended as a defence mechanism, but that can quickly cause problems – and this is only made worse by things like the 24 hour news cycle and the relentless bombardment of social media. Be aware when thinking the worst becomes a default setting.
Take your time to reflect on what you love about your family, your new baby, and yourself and your journey as a parent, because nothing brings that time back once its gone.
There’s actually a word for the process of becoming a mother – ‘matrescence’. I love that, because it really is a process and a journey. Taking care of yourself is so key to being able to take care of others.
Unfortunately, mama guilt is a real thing that begins pretty much the moment you find out you’re expecting, so its really important to be aware of that, and to give to yourself the same amount of love and care that you give out.
That really is one of the best gifts you can give to your child – a happy, healthy and fulfilled mother who is able to be fully there for them, because she’s been there for herself.
Find those people who will help you celebrate the good bits, hold your hand through the shit bits and take the baby to the park for an hour so you can get your hair cut. You need guidance, encouragement and a little practical help more than ever at this moment.
You got this, mama!
